“Picture this: a young lady doubled over in a festival portaloo releasing urine so acidic she fears it’ll melt the plastic beneath her and create a fire that will destroy the headliners. Outside, her friend waits patiently with two pints of cider:
“Why are you taking so long!?” The answer: CYSTITIS.
Cystitis is a common infection that us girls are particularly prone to - it’s often a geographic problem which stems from the proximity of the butt hole to the pee hole (technical terms), allowing bacteria to transfer super quick and easily.
Generally I agree that good things come in small packages – but in relation to the urethra this is totes untrue. But, if treated quickly, cystitis needn’t be more than a minor (albeit entirely unfair and majorly irritating) inconvenience.
1) Water in water out
Hydration really is key – and as Ryan Gosling pointed out on The Ellen Show ‘if you’re thirsty it’s already too late’. Drinking water will neutralise the acids that have piled up in your bladder and help flush everything out and reduce pain. Caffeine, sugary drinks and alcohol will make cystitis worse so avoid them. Citrus juices are also a no and don’t even look at that espresso martini.
2) Make like Frozen & Let It Go
This is not the time to exercise your pelvic floor. Wee as and when you need to. The longer you leave urine in your bladder the more likely bacteria is to multiply in there (gross but true).
3) No Entry Zone
I’m going to use a metaphor here. When your sink is blocked: you use a plunger to suck out whatever is clogging the flow – you don’t take the plug out and shove a rolling pin in there do you – DO YOU?
4) Hang loose
Bacteria thrives in environments that are hot and moist. Avoid tight jeans and synthetic underwear. In fact maybe just use this as an opportunity to lounge around your apartment in cotton harem pants like the super relaxed queen you know you are.
5) Treat yourself
Make yourself a dinner packed with healing goodness: garlic roasted sweet potatoes and leafy greens followed by fresh fruit and natural yogurt which will provide vitamins A & C as well as antioxidants and good bacteria . Lay back with a hot water bottle (to relieve lower abdominal pain), watch the Crazy Ex Girlfriend episode where Rebecca gets a UTI (https://youtu.be/2ytnBRjmDXs) and lol the pain away.
If you do this for a few days and it still feels like you’re weeing actual razor blades – then go to the doctors. If left untreated severe cystitis can turn into a kidney infection and nobody has time for that.
Good luck x”