“There are a lot of ways to describe a ‘fuck boy’, but personally, I like to think of them as apes that got stuck midway through the evolutionary chain. It would explain their resemblance to the human male… their limited mental capacities… their ability to swing so easily from one girl to another… their obsession with their bananas. But most of all, it explains why they’re so difficult to spot.
If you think you may have chanced upon a fuckboy or, heaven forbid, are dating one, here are seven ways to find out for sure.
1. He asks for nudes
Every girl deserves a guy who undresses her in his head. And by that I mean – he may want to tap it, but if he’s tapping on a touch screen to ask for it, then he a fuck boy. Your body is your temple, so don’t let some rowdy tourists with their selfie sticks have their way with you. Save it for someone who actually wants to worship it. You’ll know when you meet them.
2. He sends dick pics
If a dick was a person, then a dick pic would be the ultimate catfish. Ain’t no camera adding ten pounds that ain’t adding a couple of inches as well.
DON’T trust a boy who makes unrequested ‘introductions’ over technology.
That friend should be met face to…well…he should be met when YOU want to meet him. So if the little guy surprises you with a hi, take it as your cue to bid the relationship goodbye.
3. He makes you feel bad
Studies into fuckboyism have shown that it doesn’t hurt when you fall from heaven, but it stings like a bitch when a guy guilt trips you.
Indeed, the group tested proved to be quite adept at convincing their female counterparts that they were in the wrong most or all of the time, as well as causing them to doubt their memory, sanity, and perception of certain situations. The females suffered some trauma but managed to remove themselves from the situation by realising they were badasses and did not need the males.
4. He seems too good to be true
If he smells like a bad chat up line, sounds like a fairytale, looks like the protagonist of a teen romcom, and gives you the feels (wink wink), then chances are he is going to taste bitter. When it comes to figuring out if a guy should be trusted, your senses are squad goals. I’m talking Scooby Doo and Mystery Inc proficient. So listen to them, as well as your gut instinct, and unmask the monster before it’s too late.
5. He won’t take the bad with the good
Does he, take you, to be his girlfriend, to have and to hold from this day forward, in sweats and in slits, in makeup and in spot cream, in perfume and in body odour, till hangry do you part? He doesn’t.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce him a fuckboy.
If a guy doesn’t love you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best. Find the one who can’t tell the difference – he’s the keeper.
6. He’s manipulative
Dating a fuckboy is like playing a real life version of snakes and ladders. Knowing when you’re going to hear from him or see him is like the roll of the dice – unpredictable. Your turn in the game is you trying to get on with your life. The ladders are you managing to move on. And the snakes?
Well, that’s him sliding into your dms and taking you right back to where you started.
The only difference between the board game and the one you’re in is that in order to win yours, you have to stop playing.
7. He won’t define the relationship
He’s never felt this way about someone before. Never hit it off a girl so quickly, so easily, so perfectly. That’s why he doesn’t want to put a label on it. I mean, how can you expect him to when it is unlike anything he has ever experienced? If anything, the English language is at fault. It simply fails to define what the two of you have.
Forget the fact that we have a word for thrusting your hips provocatively in a squatting stance (twerking). For your love, there are just no words.
But there is a word to describe your situation. In fact, there are four – you can do better.
If your boyfriend exhibits any of these signs, then I am sorry to say he is a fuckboy. Get out of there as soon as possible. Your perfect human is waiting for you.”